LinkedIn Jail – One mans journey into the abyss….

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Oh LinkedIn, how you vex me! You are like nicotine, a.k.a. the worst drug ever. I smoked, then I quit, then I started again, then I quit, then i started again and THEN I really quit for good. This is how I see you, LinkedIn. I need you to do my job but I hate you oh so much. You are not good for me, at all, but I crave you especially after I have been drinking…coffee that is…You are great first thing when I wake up and right before I go to bed. I need to just look at a couple of profiles to relax me…I’m not really an addict. I can quit whenever I want to. I don’t NEED you, I just really, really like you sometimes. But then I also hate you sometimes too! Why am I doing this? Why am I looking at this profile?? I don’t need a COBOL DBA from Arkansas! COBOL? I started out doing ONE search for a mid level Front End Dev and now I’m here? How did this happen? What do you mean I’ve reached my limit of "I don’t know you’s"! I know you! We met at that conference at that place about those "strategies" 3 summers ago in Denver and you said to "hit you up"! I’m hitting you, I’m hitting you! I need to quit right now. No New Years resolution. No bargaining about other things I’m willing to give up if I can just look at one more profile. Cold Turkey. Clean break.

And then it happened….LinkedIn Jail…No warning, no hearing, no trial, no jury to plead my case…Crickets… Your account has been "temporarily" suspended. Suspended? Moi? Why? For what?…What have I done?…Silence…My heart raced. How long is temporary? A day? A week? A month??…Denial sets in..Impossible! I have paid them thousands of dollars over the past 10 years!  LinkedIn Recruiter, Recruiter Lite, Expert, Business Pro, Premium! They would never, and I mean never, treat me like this! They need me! I am important to them! Aren’t I?…Fear is next up. How many people had looked at my profile since I was sentenced? What if that Ruby guy wrote me back after my 6th attempt at connecting with him and I can’t see it? My favorite influencer was due to tell me what’s going to happen to the recruiting industry in the next 5 years and I’m missing it!..Suddenly, a glimmer of hope. If you feel you have received this punishment unjustly, you can "appeal" your suspension by begging us for leniency..Want to talk about it? Sorry. We don’t believe in phones here at LinkedIn. There is no number. Don’t even bother. It went on…Explain your crimes, in detail, in the boxes below. We may read your pathetic excuse at a time of our choosing and allow you the privilege of using the network if we believe your feeble attempts at proving you have learned your lesson. Be prepared to grovel. That is all…Oh my. This was really bad..I would be shunned, possibly for eternity, from LinkedIn. How would I survive? I couldn’t eat or sleep. Day was night! Night was day! Was it 4 AM or 4 PM? Nothing made sense! You’re killing me, LinkedIn! One day passed..Then two..then three! Has the world gone completely mad! I might as well move to China and sell pencils on the street after being out of the loop for this long! No one will do business with me ever…Wait..What’s this? An email from "Brett@LinkedIn" re: my suspension…We have read your pitiful screed and, by a vote of 3-2, have given you a pardon. For now. But be warned! We are on to you and your suspicious behavior has been duly noted in our records. Consider yourself on notice…That is all…Redemption! Joy! I will change, LinkedIn! I will be a better person! No need for any further actions, kind sirs. I have repented and will never do…whatever it is that you claim I did but never really clearly explained it to me even after I asked you, again! Cross my heart! Oh, thank you Brett! Thank you!…

Can someone please build a better business based social network already? Is it  really that hard to be better than LinkedIn? They are curing all kinds of cancers everyday.This shouldn’t be all that difficult. Anyone? I’m all ears…

HR

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December 2, 2016 at 08:27AM

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